Well, it was a good weekend, but that sounds so much less ominous, and as a writer of science fiction and fantasy, I must take advantage of every opportunity to slather you with ominousity. Also, I would like to thank Firefox for believing me that ‘ominousity’ is a word. Your cromulence embiggens my adequatulence.
I missed three Happy Things, so I’ll have to plunk down there in a little bit. I had some stuff to talk about here, but for some reason, it’s fled my mind. All the good thoughts do that. They want to go to Hollywood, maybe get a job waitressing (what, seriously, Firefox? THAT’S not a word?) until they can be noticed by a talent scout, and get their very own wraparound-shot-in-slow-motion-while-painted-orange-during-a-sunset scene in a Michael Bay film.
Why, yes, I saw Transformers on the weekend.
I counted six rotating-three-sixty-in-slow-motion-while-painted-orange shots, and fully nine (9!) rising-angle-in-slow-motion-while-painted-orange-often-near-a-sunset shots. Michael Bay might only know how to do three things with a camera, but damned if he can’t fill the space in between them with entertainment! Big, explodey entertainment. And inappropriate dialogue. And robot-genitalia humor. Scrotums. Are. Compulsory.
Thing That Makes Me Happy #6
New shoes. It might be frivolous, and I like to think it’s different than the seemingly all-powerful drive for women to simply OWN shoes, but I love getting a new pair of comfortable, functional footwear. Since last October, I’ve been wearing giant bad-ass welding boots which I got for $150 below their regular price. They’re massive, they lace up, zipper up, and velcro up, and offer ankle support the likes of which I’ve never known. I feel like I’m wearing rocket boots when I’m wearing them. They are, however, heavy as all fuck, and if I’m trying to lose weight through aerobic exercise and walking every day, they’re not the best. So now, I have my wonderful pair of small, light, snug, black-on-black nondescript Nikes (yes, I’m a brand-name whore, if they’re on sale!) and now I feel like I could pull me some sweet-ass Jackie Chan shit whenever I wanted.
I just don’t want to.
Things That Make Me Happy #7
Stupid, stupid movies.
Why, yes, I saw Transformers on the weekend.
So many questions went unanswered, but they managed to gloss over the plot holes with surprising skill by just not wasting even a single frame on an unimportant thought. Sure, they wasted a few million frames on a Shia LaBoef teen-sex-romp that somehow got mis-edited into the film, but if you ignore all that stuff, you get a great, immature, explodey action film that ranks in my Top 10 Explodey Films Of All Time list. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and there were enough awesome one-liners (fully half of them spoken by the impressively-cast John Turturro). I recommend this movie if you really, really don’t care that this movie was made to be visually and viscerally impactful at the cost of intelligence or depth.
It’s a Hasbro movie. If you expect intelligence or depth, there’s nothing I can do for you. You’ve made a deeply personal decision to be disappointed by life. I pity you.
Things That Make Me Happy #8
I lost two pounds, and my pants just will not stay up. I am so impressed with myself at this simple trick that I can’t help but smile whenever I have to hike my pants back up over my slowly-vanishing ass, like an incompetent magician who reassures the audience that it’s just a small delay, and the magic will be forthcoming.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s some tuna with my name on it.